You Are Enough (But What If You Could Be More?)

Theme Song: 00:00:07

When moving forward seems too much.

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When you feel totally out of touch,

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Hope is seeping out the

door, you find yourself.

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Curled on the floor.

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The thoughts swirl round

all jumbled and messed.

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Why is this brain so darkly obsessed?

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I've secrets I've never confessed.

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Haven't told the soul,

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I'm depressed.

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A gentle whisper through the pain.

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Remember rainbows, follow, rain.

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breathe deeply.

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Hold on.

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tight Your hope will return.

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shining bright.

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Embrace the now, release the past,

In forgiveness, peace will last.

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You matter deeply, you're not alone,

Reach out, Let your strength be shown.

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Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: Hello there.

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It's so good to be back.

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I am Elaine Lindsay.

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This is suicide, Zen forgiveness.

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And today I'm here with

my guest, Ben Albert.

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Hi Ben.

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Ben Albert: Hey, Elaine.

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Excited to be here with you.

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Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: Oh, it's

awesome to have you as my guest.

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I really appreciate you

for joining us today.

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I'm sure we're going to have a

really important discussion today.

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So without further ado, Ben, why don't

you tell us a little bit about you?

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Ben Albert: Currently I'm the host

of Real Business Connections podcast.

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I run a mastermind and community.

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We all grow together and grow getters

only is the inner circle, and I

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feel like I'm living the dream.

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It al isn't always been sunshine and

rainbows, but one thing that I've

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learned is all the failures, the

successes, the good times, the bad times.

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Prepare me to who I get

to become long-term.

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And I pinch myself.

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I was pinching myself before we started

this podcast because it's amazing the

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things we can accomplish over time.

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So right now I'm living the dream.

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It hasn't always been easy as

we all know, but that's a little

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bit about me to get us started.

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Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna:

That, that is excellent.

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And I know that go-getters

is on the school platform.

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Which is something I find

really incredibly useful and

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it's really multifaceted.

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There's so many different

things people can use that for.

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Closer to the end of the show, we will

make sure that the link is available

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for you and you'll be able to find

everything down below in the transcript.

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Without any further ado, let's get into

the real story of Ben and you can start

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wherever you like, but give us a look into

perhaps before it got to be pinchable.

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Ben Albert: I was birthed

out of my mother's womb.

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How far back do you

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wanna go?

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Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: That's,

I think you, you've taken it

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back, the farthest kudos to you.

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Ben Albert: Do we wanna start at a

certain age, a certain time of life?

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A certain

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Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: What relates to.

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Where the story goes because everybody

has a sort of a different age where

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things start or where they, where things

maybe go off the rails, if you will.

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Those of us with suicidal ideation,

some of us started at early as children.

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For many people it starts in, teen years.

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Yeah.

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So for you where did things start to

get a little, I don't know, hairy.

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Ben Albert: No, and I appreciate

you explaining and I'm stalling a

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little bit 'cause I don't know where

to start because there's so many

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things that happen in our lives.

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Yeah.

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Like nowadays, the podcast

is real business connections.

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But the word connection was aspirational.

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As much it was.

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People are, oh, you're so well connected.

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You're the networking guy.

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How do I connect better?

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I'm like, I don't know.

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I'm just figuring it out as I go.

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Because at a very young age, like

a very young age and single digits

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before I could remember what happened,

when I felt very disconnected.

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And I think part of why connection

and belonging and a love of growth has

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developed with me in me is because I

didn't I was literally the smallest boy

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in school, so I was literally small.

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So I wanted to grow.

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I was disconnected, so I

wanted to connect and no fault.

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We all go through different things.

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But my dad had a very bad alcohol

addiction along with other drugs.

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I can't confirm or deny exactly

what he was doing, but first I

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thought it was alcohol and then

I started to find other things.

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So I know he was struggling

with all sorts of stuff.

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He passed away at a pretty

young age in his mid fifties.

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Oh.

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And my mom had multiple sclerosis.

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Which is a neurological disorder,

which no fault to her, she was

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just gifted this disorder for some

reason, but it caused her body and

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mind to deteriorate at a far quicker

pace than most people would expect.

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So as a kid at home the small kid

getting bullied at school, a two parent

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household, that kinda looked good

from the outside, but from the inside.

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Wasn't quite as perfect

as one might think.

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Yeah, I felt very disconnected,

very shy, very uncomfortable.

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And it even like some things that I now

see as superpowers, I was developing

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at a young age that like my dad and

I would watch football and he would

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go in and out of the room in the

bathroom, like over 10 times a game.

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Like who pees that much?

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Who takes that many breaks?

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And I didn't realize at the time,

was smoking cigarettes, smoking

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weed, peeing a lot, taking shots.

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But I started to intuitively see when

he was in a different state than normal,

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and now I can sometimes pick up on

energy and like at a young age, like

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my superpower was hiding because I

knew when I should stay out of the way.

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And not ruffle any feathers.

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And I knew when things were happy and

joyous and I can goof off and have fun.

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So very long story shorten, 'cause we can

take it in so many different directions.

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I developed some pretty bad habits as I

grew up and one thing I became a expert

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at is integrating good habits and we

can talk about integrating good habits.

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Yeah.

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But one thing that, and this

is new to me, I haven't really

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explored this concept much.

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It wasn't just integrating new habits,

which was necessary, it was disintegrating

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the bad ones because I optimized my way

to the moon and still had developed my

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own drinking problem and felt disconnected

and didn't have good fr and I was.

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Meditating and affirmations and writing

and personal growth podcasts, but

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I was drinking myself to sleep, so

all that good stuff wasn't working.

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So there's two different

ways we can take that.

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We can go into story wherever you want,

but there's the integrating of the

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good stuff, which I think nine out of

10 people teach, but no one teaches

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just disintegrating the bad stuff.

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Yeah.

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That was my biggest problem and struggle.

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Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: That's

really, that's a really important point.

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Because while hearing that from

you, to me, that is a coping

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skill in order to function.

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You were seeing the things that worked

and you were seeing the things in you that

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not only didn't work, but that weren't

helping you at all, and that is such a.

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A high level of self-awareness.

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Like I don't know if you realize

just how incredible that is,

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because as children we do find.

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Coping mechanisms to deal with whatever

is going on in our lives at that time.

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Sure.

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And whether it's an alcoholic parent

or a parent who uses drugs or perhaps

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a parent who is violent you learn

to look ahead for those trigger

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points that you know are coming.

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In how the atmosphere changes

how the energy changes.

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And children are really good at that,

mostly because we were never told

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as children that you can't do that.

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When you are a young child, there

are so many things we can and do.

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That no one's ever told us we can't do.

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It's only as we age that people tend

to, oh poo the energetic stuff and

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poo the slightly alternate I don't

wanna say realities but the alternate

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ways that we handle things because

we're relying on our intuition.

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We're never taught that, but

that's what that sounds like to me.

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And how old were you as you started

removing the poorly regulated activities

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or the poorly regulated responses to

what was happening around you like that?

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Start really early.

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Ben Albert: No, I'm doing math in my head.

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I think I dev, I'm almost

at the 50 50 split.

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And the second half was not

all sunshine and rainbows.

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Yeah.

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But I spent half my life

developing really terrible habits.

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And then the second half of my life has

been like, disintegrating some of them.

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Now I did pick up some great

things when I was younger.

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But in my upper teenage years is when

I actually start, I read my first ever

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personal development related book and

I saw that the world outside of my

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reality there's a lot of different

things that can be done and accomplished.

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And I was an outcast, hippy kid.

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I was not a.

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Rebellious, I was a so quiet kid, but

at a young age was drinking, smoking

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marijuana, tie-dye t-shirts, long hair,

going to concerts, handing out music

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flyers, was this hippie music kid.

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And I went to my first ever music

festival and I was surrounded

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by people just like me.

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And I was like, oh, interesting.

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And that was the first time I saw a tribe.

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That was the first time why I

actually felt like I belonged in

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a group may millions of benefits.

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The struggle was weirdly

within myself that I was.

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Smoking, drinking, doing all the same

kind of stuff my dad did as well.

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So having a tribe, having a passion,

having like-minded people was very good.

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But I wouldn't go to any of these music

festivals or concerts without also doing

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things like consuming alcohol, finding

a girl to try to spend the night with,

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whether or not I cared any, like all

those typical young adult stuff, but.

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Like I said, I had picked up my first

personal growth book and I later on

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in about 2015 started listening to

podcasts, and that was a big unlock.

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This is why I love that you have this

podcast is I was college ish time.

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I was in my early twenties.

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I started listening to podcasts.

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And then I had a job where I

was a traveling rep for Chobani

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Yogurt going store to store.

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So the podcast was my

University on Wheels.

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Where I'd put on a podcast,

I'd learn something new.

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I'd learn marketing or sales or a health

concept, health podcast, personal growth.

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And it was my University on wheels.

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And the part of why I say like the first

half of my life was bad habits and the

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second half of the life was slowly like

developing good ones, is I still was

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partying during this time of my life.

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I still didn't have the best

relationships, but in my.

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Single digits.

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I didn't even know what was going on.

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I just thought my obscure life

was normal in my double digits.

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I started to realize that I was a weirdo,

and then in my twenties I started to

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realize that I'm an adult now, but

I'm still acting like a teenager.

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And it wasn't until I hit like my

thirties personally, and people

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figure I'm not a huge fan of ageism.

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People have different paths to the same

end goal, and that's all that matters.

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But it wasn't until my thirties that

I started to be like, I need to make.

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More long-term decisions for myself,

so that's why I say like the first

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18 or so years were bad habits.

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And then the next 18, I'm 34, but

the next 18 were developing some

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of the bad ones and then eventually

getting to a point where I like,

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I need to turn this on its head.

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Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna:

That for some of us who take a

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lot longer to get the lesson.

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True.

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That seems like a very short time.

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Some of us take a lot longer to

catch on to things, and I suppose

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it's, it is partly our environment.

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It's partly what we know and grow.

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Because I, I think that not just

how uncomfortable or it could be,

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how comfortable you are within

a situation will dictate the

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length of time you spend there.

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It's only when you become uncomfortable

enough that you will then go

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ahead and change something and

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Ben Albert: doesn't that stink?

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Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: What's that?

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Ben Albert: That stinks.

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Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: Okay.

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It does.

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It does.

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Ben Albert: I've been, and the one thing

I want to add and I want you to keep

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going is like I've been trying to find

ways to make myself uncomfortable because

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it stinks that we have to wait till the

pain is unbearable to make a change.

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And I don't want people

to have to wait that long.

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Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: And I am so with

you there you are preaching to the choir.

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And that's only because some of us, okay,

got to our late fifties before we really.

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Realize, you know what, there's

only one person here that can change

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all this, and it's right here.

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Ben Albert: Yeah.

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Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: And some,

sometimes you have to take the lesson

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over and over before you get it.

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But I love the fact that you

have a very set belief in.

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What came when, which I think is

incredible because that says to me

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that you knew intrinsically all along.

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You were understanding that what you were

doing wasn't working, but you weren't so

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uncomfortable that it necessitated change.

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Ben Albert: Yeah, it's a easy example

is I do affirmations every morning.

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And a life-changing concept, affirming

who you are and who you are becoming.

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They can be a little aspirational,

but affirming who you believe you are.

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And then you realize that you were that

person all along because you achieved

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things you didn't know that were possible.

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The problem was I had bloodshot,

tired, twitchy eyes when

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I said these affirmations.

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So something inside me, call

it your soul, call it your

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subconscious, call it intuition.

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Knew that the words I were saying

weren't in alignment with the actions.

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That was why I wasn't getting where I I

had to blame myself at some point because

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I wasn't getting where I needed to be.

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'cause I wanted to be something, but my

actions weren't in alignment with it.

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And I knew this for years.

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I still know this now.

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I don't even know if I feel comfortable

talking about all the stupid

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stuff I still make even this week.

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But I feel like you know the answer.

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It's just getting us to do the

right thing could be difficult.

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Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: It's so true.

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Okay.

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Because humans have free will.

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Ben Albert: Yeah.

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Okay.

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Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: I will

be 70 years old in November.

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Wow.

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And I guarantee you I did stupid stuff

today because, just 'cause it was easier.

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Okay.

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We, when, to me, when we become focused

on self-improvement, when we become

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aspirational for a better us, to improve

this being that we are I think that's

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I think that's incredibly laudable.

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However.

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I don't think it's as easy

as we would like for us to be

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a hundred percent on board.

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75% of us really wants to be

better person, but there's that 25%

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that's, comfort's pretty good too.

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Let's just stay right here.

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Sure.

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And it doesn't negate what you are doing.

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It just makes that trip.

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A little more linear, a little

longer in getting to the full piece.

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But I have a spiritual advisor.

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I work with all kinds of people, and

they all say basically the same thing.

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As human beings, we are onions

and you peel away the layers

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and you get a bit better.

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And you get better.

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And there are always more layers.

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Ben Albert: Yeah.

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Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna:

Which I think is important.

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Ben Albert: Yeah.

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Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: And it, it

feeds into something that, that I don't

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know how you feel about this, but for

me, the concept of perfection is one,

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I think it's boring and ridiculous

because I truly believe if humans were

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perfect, there'd only be two of them.

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Done and dust done.

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Ben Albert: You and I can both

define perfection and we'd come

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up with different definitions.

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Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: Absolutely.

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Absolutely.

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But for the human condition,

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Ben Albert: yeah.

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Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: Perfection.

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Perfection is not even useful.

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For like models and if you do still

lifes to sell Chobani yogurt and fruit,

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and they're not looking for perfection.

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They're looking for the asymmetry

in a photo or in a video that

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focuses the eye, that allows you

to see deeper into the image.

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It gives you a, a.

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A feel of maybe a little secret.

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You're seeing something

somebody else doesn't.

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There's that enticement there and

perfection to me takes that away.

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There, there is nothing, there's

no challenge in perfection.

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It's just ho hum.

317

: 00:20:41

I mean it that to me would be

like making everything beige.

318

: 00:20:45

I don't do beige,

319

: 00:20:49

which sounds crazy, but the concept

of improvement I don't think

320

: 00:20:57

you give yourself enough credit.

321

: 00:20:59

Because yes, you were still

doing things like drinking and

322

: 00:21:04

partying and what have you.

323

: 00:21:07

But incrementally you are improving or you

wouldn't have gotten as far as you have.

324

: 00:21:14

Ben Albert: Yeah.

325

: 00:21:15

Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: And that

326

: 00:21:17

Ben Albert: I've got a couple

thoughts on all of this.

327

: 00:21:20

Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: Oh, good.

328

: 00:21:21

Good.

329

: 00:21:22

Ben Albert: First is a great mentor

and friend of mine, Brian Bogart.

330

: 00:21:26

He likes to say that there

is no end destination, only

331

: 00:21:30

constant evolution of self.

332

: 00:21:32

Yeah.

333

: 00:21:33

And the perfection is the end destination.

334

: 00:21:36

There is no end destination.

335

: 00:21:37

No.

336

: 00:21:38

There's only a constant evolution

of self, and when it comes to that

337

: 00:21:42

evolution and those steps in different

directions, there's this concept of the

338

: 00:21:47

right direction and the wrong direction.

339

: 00:21:50

What's right and wrong.

340

: 00:21:51

We're all kind of feathers in the

wind at different times of our lives.

341

: 00:21:55

Yeah, and that's part of the

beautiful evolution that is

342

: 00:21:58

currently happening every day.

343

: 00:22:00

As we change, as ourself, as we

have bad days and we have good days.

344

: 00:22:05

And this might be a little controversial,

but I've been starting to become

345

: 00:22:10

a little disenchanted with the

self-help industry as a whole empire.

346

: 00:22:16

Yeah.

347

: 00:22:17

The reason being is like I.

348

: 00:22:21

We're constantly optimizing

where we never feel.

349

: 00:22:25

This is a generalization, but we

never feel like we're good enough.

350

: 00:22:29

We're never smart enough.

351

: 00:22:31

We're never fit enough.

352

: 00:22:32

Our partner's not pretty enough.

353

: 00:22:34

Our business isn't big enough.

354

: 00:22:35

And if you just follow this protocol,

then your solutions will be solved.

355

: 00:22:41

And it's a hamster wheel

because we are good enough now.

356

: 00:22:46

Only getting better.

357

: 00:22:48

You can still optimize.

358

: 00:22:51

You can still take a course, a program,

have a mentor, help take you to a new

359

: 00:22:56

level that you didn't know was possible.

360

: 00:23:00

But you need to acknowledge

that you're just fantastic

361

: 00:23:02

as you are right now as well.

362

: 00:23:06

Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: Ab, absolutely.

363

: 00:23:08

And for someone who gets to today

and says, wow, you know what?

364

: 00:23:16

I'm enough.

365

: 00:23:17

Yeah.

366

: 00:23:17

This is enough for me.

367

: 00:23:19

I have enough.

368

: 00:23:20

I am enough.

369

: 00:23:21

I feel enough.

370

: 00:23:23

Then hey, more power to you.

371

: 00:23:26

Ben Albert: It might not be.

372

: 00:23:26

I don't,

373

: 00:23:27

Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: yeah.

374

: 00:23:28

I don't think, to be honest, that will

last because it's not within our makeup.

375

: 00:23:37

As humans, we are.

376

: 00:23:40

Okay.

377

: 00:23:41

Humans are comparative by nature.

378

: 00:23:45

Whether you compare yourself

to others or simply yourself.

379

: 00:23:50

That comparison allows us, we can't

know tall unless we know short.

380

: 00:23:55

We can't know cold unless we know hot.

381

: 00:23:58

Like all of those things.

382

: 00:24:00

Yeah, and stasis is just not the norm.

383

: 00:24:07

So getting to a place where

you think, okay, this is it.

384

: 00:24:11

I'm good right here.

385

: 00:24:13

Unless you plan on dropping dead

in the next five minutes and

386

: 00:24:18

that's as far as you reached.

387

: 00:24:20

I think you will find that enough

is lacking in a day, a week,

388

: 00:24:27

a month when you suddenly go I

could be just a little bit more.

389

: 00:24:32

And that has to come from inside.

390

: 00:24:36

And I don't think it's.

391

: 00:24:38

I don't think it's good or bad.

392

: 00:24:41

I think it is that evolution of self

that just continues to want to try

393

: 00:24:53

and that to me is what also gives you

the impetus for living for doing a little

394

: 00:25:01

better for trying a little harder for.

395

: 00:25:06

I don't know, being more aware.

396

: 00:25:08

All of those things are intrinsic choices

you can make that only relate to you.

397

: 00:25:19

But I think to get to that place

you have be mentally, emotionally,

398

: 00:25:28

spiritually, and physically healthy.

399

: 00:25:33

Yeah.

400

: 00:25:34

Enough.

401

: 00:25:37

Does that make sense?

402

: 00:25:38

Ben Albert: I agree.

403

: 00:25:40

The one thing, and we've already

said it, but I wanna clarify,

404

: 00:25:46

you probably are who you need to be

and who are you meant to be right now?

405

: 00:25:54

So it's easy to be like, I wanna

be healthier, I wanna be more

406

: 00:25:58

spiritual, I wanna be more connected.

407

: 00:26:00

I wanna be fitter, have a better business.

408

: 00:26:03

I wanna just be happier while

acknowledging our suffering Now.

409

: 00:26:11

Is a great step because we're never

gonna be as happy as we envision.

410

: 00:26:17

And maybe this is incorrect, but I

see myself like on a magic carpet,

411

: 00:26:22

going over a rainbow, like throwing

things to the, I've just have this

412

: 00:26:27

weird vision of and it's not like that.

413

: 00:26:30

Like I still get in fights

with my significant other.

414

: 00:26:33

The dark run the dark, the dog

runs and barks at the neighbor,

415

: 00:26:38

and she almost trips and falls.

416

: 00:26:39

And then I just feel so embarrassed

that my dog won't stop barking.

417

: 00:26:44

It's it's never gonna, it's never

gonna be perfect, is my only point.

418

: 00:26:49

And so I stop trying to like, I

still optimize every single day,

419

: 00:26:53

but I stopped trying to be like

the perfect human being the best.

420

: 00:26:59

I'm good being less than the best,

but more Ben than trying to be the

421

: 00:27:04

best because when I try to be the

best, I actually usually try to

422

: 00:27:07

be someone else and not myself.

423

: 00:27:09

Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: Yeah.

424

: 00:27:11

And that the movie the Stepford wives.

425

: 00:27:14

Ben Albert: Okay.

426

: 00:27:15

Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: Okay.

427

: 00:27:16

Like when you think about that is that.

428

: 00:27:19

That perfect story.

429

: 00:27:20

If you want

430

: 00:27:21

Ben Albert: the perfect humans

431

: 00:27:22

Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: with the

perfect spouse and the perfect children

432

: 00:27:25

and the perfect dog, and my dog

is most assuredly are not perfect.

433

: 00:27:31

But then neither am I, and

I have to acknowledge that.

434

: 00:27:36

The barking thing.

435

: 00:27:37

Yeah.

436

: 00:27:38

Oh my God.

437

: 00:27:38

Yeah.

438

: 00:27:39

We go through that too, but I think.

439

: 00:27:43

In my head anyway.

440

: 00:27:45

Sure.

441

: 00:27:46

The constant perfection

would be more wearing,

442

: 00:27:53

it would become more uncomfortable

443

: 00:27:58

simply for its lack of nuance,

444

: 00:28:04

because yeah, sometimes the dog

is bark, but it's not horrific.

445

: 00:28:09

Sometimes, you do something stupid,

but it's not the stupidest thing you've

446

: 00:28:14

ever done so you can live with it.

447

: 00:28:17

Like there, there are gradations, if

you will, of the things that go on in

448

: 00:28:24

our life, but the good, the bad, the

indifferent, all of those things are

449

: 00:28:30

what give us the stories that allow us.

450

: 00:28:35

For me, the most important thing in the

world is being able to laugh at myself.

451

: 00:28:40

Because if you can laugh at yourself,

you can put up with an awful lot and it

452

: 00:28:48

is better for you and those around you

to have a sense of humor and be able to.

453

: 00:28:57

Take the cake that fell outta the box, or

take the ruined gift, or take the whatever

454

: 00:29:03

and find the humor in it, rather than

getting yourself all angsty and annoyed

455

: 00:29:10

and being in a bad mood for four days.

456

: 00:29:12

Yeah, that really doesn't help anybody.

457

: 00:29:16

Ben Albert: This just happened to me and

it wasn't like a laugh out, loud moment.

458

: 00:29:21

It wasn't even funny, but I

learned to laugh at the scenario.

459

: 00:29:24

There's a lot of reasons

that led up to this.

460

: 00:29:27

We can go as deep as you want,

but the short inversion is I've

461

: 00:29:31

never been comfortable public

speaking for large groups.

462

: 00:29:35

On Zoom, I'm far more

comfortable podcast all the time.

463

: 00:29:40

But I'm at a stage in my career that I'm

asked to speak on stages and I wasn't

464

: 00:29:46

the person raising their hand in class

trying to get up in front of everybody.

465

: 00:29:50

I was actually the person with

a speech impediment, afraid that

466

: 00:29:53

I'm gonna say something wrong and

not really a fan of getting in

467

: 00:29:58

front and everybody staring at me.

468

: 00:30:00

I've spoken in Zoom a million

times, but I've spoken in person a

469

: 00:30:05

handful of times for conferences and

events, and the last one I did, I

470

: 00:30:10

would've given myself like a C, and

I even talked to my mentor after it.

471

: 00:30:14

I'm like, my energy was.

472

: 00:30:16

Bad, and I'm like, I

wanna be better at this.

473

: 00:30:20

I wanna impact people.

474

: 00:30:22

But if I'm like crawling outta my

skin anxious and my energy's bad,

475

: 00:30:27

like what's the point of me even doing

this if I feel miserable when I do it?

476

: 00:30:31

I'm like, for some reason

my energy was just so off.

477

: 00:30:34

I was nervous.

478

: 00:30:36

I used to never be able

to say R'S properly.

479

: 00:30:39

Speech impediment randomly, like for the

first time in 10 years, suddenly like my

480

: 00:30:44

old speech impediment slurred just started

coming out, and I even had one specific

481

: 00:30:50

moment where I said something wrong and

then I noticed it, and then I froze.

482

: 00:30:56

It was probably for about a second

to two seconds, but it was the

483

: 00:31:01

longest two seconds of my life.

484

: 00:31:04

Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: Oh, yeah.

485

: 00:31:04

Ben Albert: And then I looked up at

everyone looking at me, and I had

486

: 00:31:08

that realization moment that nothing's

gonna happen if I don't start talking.

487

: 00:31:14

Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: Yeah.

488

: 00:31:15

Ben Albert: So I went right

back to the thing and.

489

: 00:31:19

Where I've learned to laugh

again and not have not laugh out.

490

: 00:31:22

Loud, funny, annoying,

traumatic, frustrating.

491

: 00:31:25

Yeah.

492

: 00:31:25

But I was watching the replay and

everyone says I'm hard to read.

493

: 00:31:30

I'm very stoic.

494

: 00:31:31

I'm very zen.

495

: 00:31:33

That's just my personality.

496

: 00:31:34

I don't have, I don't drink coffee.

497

: 00:31:35

I don't have way big ups and downs.

498

: 00:31:37

I'm very, if anything, I'm like

a little depressed sometimes,

499

: 00:31:41

like I'm very s constant.

500

: 00:31:44

Yeah, so that's just me.

501

: 00:31:46

So I felt very anxious and I was

screwing up and saying every word

502

: 00:31:50

wrong, and these people don't

know what screwing up is to me.

503

: 00:31:54

Yeah.

504

: 00:31:54

And I watched the replay and I looked

so calm, I looked so comfortable, and

505

: 00:32:02

the content of the talk was fantastic.

506

: 00:32:06

My delivery could have been cleaner.

507

: 00:32:10

But all these feelings I was having

and the anxiety and I knowing that

508

: 00:32:15

I could do better and wishing that

I did better, which I do, wish I

509

: 00:32:19

had showed up a little bit better.

510

: 00:32:21

You watch the video, you can't see any

of it, and I'm like, what the, what's?

511

: 00:32:29

What am I so worried about now?

512

: 00:32:32

Ideally, I feel good.

513

: 00:32:35

I show up next time and I don't feel

anxious, but I started to realize

514

: 00:32:39

that like I'm a real mean person to

myself, and when you look from an

515

: 00:32:44

external perspective, I'm doing fine.

516

: 00:32:48

Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: We are our

own worst critic and that is true

517

: 00:32:54

all over the world for everybody.

518

: 00:32:59

It's so much, we expect so much more of

ourselves than we do of other people and

519

: 00:33:08

it's it's a hard lesson, but a really

good lesson that yes, it's not laugh

520

: 00:33:12

out loud funny, but it is funny when you

think every second word you've messed up.

521

: 00:33:21

You're turning to the left too much or

you're, you put your arm out, three inches

522

: 00:33:26

too far, too often, and the people that

were at the talk were listening to what

523

: 00:33:32

you were offering them, and they weren't

watching what your arms were doing.

524

: 00:33:38

They couldn't tell you if you

stepped off the stage just a little.

525

: 00:33:43

Or if you move to the left

three times instead of five.

526

: 00:33:48

What they were listening to was the

impact in the words you were offering

527

: 00:33:55

in the story you were giving them.

528

: 00:33:58

They were taking from that and in

many cases, getting to use the kernel

529

: 00:34:08

of the story that related to them

that they could see themselves in.

530

: 00:34:14

Ben Albert: Yeah.

531

: 00:34:15

Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: Be able

to take that away and use that

532

: 00:34:18

at some point in their lives.

533

: 00:34:21

And we are so self-critical.

534

: 00:34:24

It is so easy to lose the

focus and not understand

535

: 00:34:32

Ben Albert: just

536

: 00:34:33

Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: how much

we each have to offer other people.

537

: 00:34:38

And the one thing I will say

for people who get anxious

538

: 00:34:41

before you get up on stage.

539

: 00:34:44

For the most part, it's everybody.

540

: 00:34:46

If you are a good speaker, there is

always that, that moment of bread, those,

541

: 00:34:52

oh my God, like what if I mess up that

that's just a, it's just the way it goes.

542

: 00:34:58

But the fact is, if you were given the

choice of never speaking again deep

543

: 00:35:08

inside you, somebody screaming Uhuh no.

544

: 00:35:12

I could do it again.

545

: 00:35:13

I could do it again.

546

: 00:35:15

Yeah.

547

: 00:35:15

And that to me is the most important

piece is that we do wanna do it again

548

: 00:35:23

because it is the one place that you can

feel total connection with a stranger.

549

: 00:35:35

And to me, that connection.

550

: 00:35:39

Is so valuable.

551

: 00:35:41

I spoke in Ireland in 2017 and this

was, I was speaking about social

552

: 00:35:49

media and optimization, funny enough,

and a woman came up to me after the

553

: 00:35:55

event and she said, thank you so much.

554

: 00:36:00

I never looked at social media that way.

555

: 00:36:04

I didn't like it, but you turned

it around for me and I could see,

556

: 00:36:11

I could maybe find this useful.

557

: 00:36:13

Okay.

558

: 00:36:14

You could not have got

me through the doorway.

559

: 00:36:16

I was floating 10 feet above the ground.

560

: 00:36:20

Ben Albert: Yeah,

561

: 00:36:20

Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: because

someone got what I was offering.

562

: 00:36:24

I gave somebody something they

didn't have before I spoke.

563

: 00:36:31

And that a gift you can give someone

else that makes you feel that good is the

564

: 00:36:38

greatest thing you can do in the world.

565

: 00:36:43

Ben Albert: It's powerful,

566

: 00:36:45

Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: And I believe

that's what you do when you speak.

567

: 00:36:50

Ben Albert: I'm having a fun realization

that I, hadn really thought of.

568

: 00:36:54

Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: What's that?

569

: 00:36:55

Ben Albert: So some people, they

might have a cleft lip, some people

570

: 00:36:59

might have a lisp in their voice.

571

: 00:37:02

Some people might not say ours properly.

572

: 00:37:06

Some people talk a little quiet and low.

573

: 00:37:08

Some people talk high pitch, and you

were saying the connection that is

574

: 00:37:13

made when communicating to a group

or one-to-one, anything like that.

575

: 00:37:21

If we were all just Stepford wives,

the same vanilla, it would be boring.

576

: 00:37:28

I have a speech impediment

that comes out randomly and I'm

577

: 00:37:32

like, oh no, how embarrassing.

578

: 00:37:35

But someone in the audience

is I like that about him.

579

: 00:37:38

Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: Someone in the

audience, no doubt is thinking, oh wow,

580

: 00:37:43

I do that, but with a different letter.

581

: 00:37:47

And he's managing.

582

: 00:37:49

Okay.

583

: 00:37:50

Ben Albert: Yeah,

584

: 00:37:51

Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: you are.

585

: 00:37:51

You are giving them permission to be

them because you are taking your flaw and

586

: 00:38:00

just putting it on up there on display.

587

: 00:38:03

And is it a flaw?

588

: 00:38:04

It only is a flaw because I, there you go.

589

: 00:38:07

Ben Albert: It's like someone might

be, oh, I, it's really cute the

590

: 00:38:10

way she talks, or, oh, it's really,

I like the sound of his voice.

591

: 00:38:14

It's different.

592

: 00:38:15

Yeah.

593

: 00:38:15

Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: Yeah.

594

: 00:38:16

Ben Albert: Cool.

595

: 00:38:18

Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: And that's it.

596

: 00:38:19

Exactly, because we don't hear

our voice the way other people do.

597

: 00:38:27

We don't see ourselves

the way other people do.

598

: 00:38:31

Okay.

599

: 00:38:31

What, when you see yourself, it is

absolutely, for one, it's backwards

600

: 00:38:36

to what other people see it.

601

: 00:38:38

It is not.

602

: 00:38:40

We don't hear ourselves the way others

do, and I think that's on purpose because

603

: 00:38:48

I don't think, I don't think we could

do the self-examination we do if we

604

: 00:39:00

hurt us the way other people heard us.

605

: 00:39:03

What are you gonna pick at?

606

: 00:39:04

It's that's why I said

Stepford was Oh my God.

607

: 00:39:07

Yeah.

608

: 00:39:08

And no offense to the color Beige.

609

: 00:39:10

I'm sure Pantone has used it as the

color of the year at some point.

610

: 00:39:15

And I'm more beige than I normally

am today, so that's funny.

611

: 00:39:21

But it's that concept of

everything just being ho hum.

612

: 00:39:29

And ho hum.

613

: 00:39:30

If you don't have highs and lows, if

you never had something that tasted

614

: 00:39:36

different, if you never saw something that

looked different again as a comparative

615

: 00:39:46

human, how do you quantify that?

616

: 00:39:50

And more to the point, what's the point?

617

: 00:39:55

If everything's exactly the same, if

there, there are no highs, no lows, no.

618

: 00:40:03

No good, no bad.

619

: 00:40:04

Oh my God,

620

: 00:40:06

Ben Albert: that sounds like a dystopia.

621

: 00:40:08

Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: Yeah.

622

: 00:40:09

It's oh, that's, yeah, that's,

that is not what any of us want.

623

: 00:40:16

Ben Albert: Agreed.

624

: 00:40:18

Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: This has been

an amazing discussion, I have to say.

625

: 00:40:22

Not exactly where I thought

we would go today, but I think

626

: 00:40:26

it's absolutely wonderful.

627

: 00:40:27

Thank you so much.

628

: 00:40:28

Where

629

: 00:40:28

Ben Albert: did you think we would go?

630

: 00:40:30

Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: I'm not sure.

631

: 00:40:31

I'm not sure.

632

: 00:40:31

I'm always surprised where we end up.

633

: 00:40:34

Sure.

634

: 00:40:35

When I talk to people, because

I love the randomness of

635

: 00:40:39

conversation and the fact that.

636

: 00:40:42

You can come and go through 15

levels of things and you often

637

: 00:40:47

end up back where you started,

which I think is really wonderful.

638

: 00:40:53

I have the link down below for your school

group and people will be able to see that.

639

: 00:40:59

The last thing I wanna ask you thank

you so much for joining us today.

640

: 00:41:04

What would you say to the audience to

what is something that you do say or

641

: 00:41:10

think every day that helps you keep

going in that self-improvement way?

642

: 00:41:20

Ben Albert: I wish it

was right in front of me.

643

: 00:41:22

It's not, I have a key chain.

644

: 00:41:24

It's very tongue in cheek of me.

645

: 00:41:26

I have a key chain and on

it says there is no key.

646

: 00:41:31

And the reason my key chain says there

is no key is I believe there isn't a key

647

: 00:41:36

to success or really fill in the blank.

648

: 00:41:39

There's no key to, yeah,

forgiveness or resilience.

649

: 00:41:43

There's no key to success.

650

: 00:41:45

It's a combination lock and similar to a

padlock at a gym or the pin on your phone,

651

: 00:41:51

or the reason that take your fingerprint.

652

: 00:41:54

When you get in trouble is

because each and every one of us

653

: 00:41:57

has our own unique combination.

654

: 00:42:01

So stop trying to figure out the

perfect, so it's not perfect.

655

: 00:42:06

You are an individual.

656

: 00:42:08

Your combination's gonna be

different than the next person's.

657

: 00:42:12

So my goal every day is just to

find a new digit in that code.

658

: 00:42:19

What are my skills?

659

: 00:42:20

What am I learning where what

is my purpose in the world?

660

: 00:42:24

If I can unlock just a digit a

day, that's how I figure out how

661

: 00:42:29

to make it through this world.

662

: 00:42:31

Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna:

Oh, that's beautiful.

663

: 00:42:33

Absolutely beautiful.

664

: 00:42:34

This has been a very

interesting discussion.

665

: 00:42:37

I thank you so much.

666

: 00:42:39

Thanks for having me, and we'll

make sure that everything to do with

667

: 00:42:43

Ben is below, as I said earlier,

and you can get in touch with him

668

: 00:42:48

at We All Grow together, do com.

669

: 00:42:52

I thank you all for listening.

670

: 00:42:54

Thank you, Ben, for being our guest today.

671

: 00:42:57

I'm Elaine Lindsay.

672

: 00:42:58

This is Suicide Zen Forgiveness.

673

: 00:43:00

And until I see you again next time, make

the very most of your today every day.

674

: 00:43:09

Bye for.

675

: 00:43:10

Voiceover: Thank you for being

here for another inspiring episode

676

: 00:43:13

of Suicide Zen Forgiveness.

677

: 00:43:15

We appreciate you tuning in.

678

: 00:43:17

Please subscribe and download on your

favorite service and check out SZF42

679

: 00:43:21

YouTube channel or Facebook community.

680

: 00:43:23

If you have the chance to leave

a five star rating or a review,

681

: 00:43:26

it'd be greatly appreciated.

682

: 00:43:29

Please refer this to a friend you

know who may benefit from the hope

683

: 00:43:32

and inspiration from our guests.

684

: 00:43:35

Suicide Zen Forgiveness was

brought to you by the following

685

: 00:43:38

sponsors, TROOL Social Media.

686

: 00:43:40

The digital integration specialists.

687

: 00:43:43

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688

: 00:43:46

Canada's keynote, humourist, Judy Croon,

motivational speaker, comedian, author,

689

: 00:43:51

and standup coach at Second City.

690

: 00:43:53

Judy has been involved for over

a decade in the City Street

691

: 00:43:56

Outreach program in Toronto.

692

: 00:44:00

Do you have a story to share?

693

: 00:44:02

Do you know someone you think would

be a great guests silence Hero?

694

: 00:44:06

Please go to SZF four two.com

695

: 00:44:09

and for our American listeners,

that's s zf four two.com.

696

: 00:44:14

Thank you for listening.

697

: 00:44:15

To see you again