Episode 33

A Bee, A Door, A Broken Brain, Meeting New Me

9 33

A Bee, A Door, A Broken Brain, Meeting New Me

Show Notes

 Rob Baugh shares the raw truth of surviving a traumatic brain injury during the pandemic and finding purpose in the aftermath. From suicidal thoughts to building a podcast, a book, and a support group, Rob lays bare the hard-earned wisdom that comes from losing the old you and forging a new path—pain, memory lapses, migraines, and all.

💥 What We Talk About:

  • The incident that caused Rob's traumatic brain injury
  • The medical system's lack of support for TBI patients
  • Living with daily migraines, memory loss, and emotional struggles
  • Coping strategies, grace, and humor in the face of cognitive challenges
  • Rob's podcast, book "My Life Rewired," and future children's book series
  • Caregiving, marriage, and mutual grace

Finding meaning in pain and choosing not to sink

📞 If You’re in Crisis:

If you're in North America, text 988 for free, 24/7 support.

Elsewhere? Please reach out to your local suicide prevention or mental health hotline. #YouMatter

💬 Subscribe, rate, and share if this episode moved you. It could be the lifeline someone else didn’t know they needed. #ConverSAVEtions





Links & Socials




Suicide Zen Forgiveness Stories re Suicide Loss | Ideation | Mental Health | Offering Hope |Empathy for All website

©2025-2018 Elaine Lindsay SZF42.com All rights reserved.

https://suicide-zen-forgiveness.captivate.fm/episode/a-bee-a-door-a-broken-brain-meeting-new-me

Elaine Lindsay

Explicit

Transcript
Theme song:

When moving forward seems too much.

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When you feel totally out of touch,

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Hope is seeping out the

door you find yourself.

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Self curled on the floor.

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The thoughts swirl around

all jumbled and messed.

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Why is this brain so darkly obsessed?

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I have secret, I've never confessed.

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Haven't told the soul,

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I'm depressed.

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A gentle whisper through the pain.

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Remember rainbows follow rain.,

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breathe deeply.

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hold on tight, Your hope will return,

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shining bright.

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Embrace the now, release the past,

In forgiveness, peace will last.

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You matter deeply, You're not alone.

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Reach out, let your strength be shown.

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Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: Hello there.

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It's so good to be back.

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I'm Elaine Lindsay, and as this

is suicide zen forgiveness.

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Today I am with my guest, Rob Baugh.

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Thank you so much for joining us, Rob.

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Rob Baugh: It's a pleasure.

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Thank you for having me.

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Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna:

It's great to have you.

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Just gonna take a little moment

for housekeeping and say that

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what you just heard was our song.

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We have changed the intro for the

show and I'm a little proud of this

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one 'cause it's a song I wrote.

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I am not a singer and I am not normally a

songwriter, but this is near and dear to

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my heart, and this came out of 50 years of

experience in the suicide awareness space.

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So that's, with that said I'm

just going to go ahead and get Rob

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to give us a little information

on who he is and what he does.

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Rob Baugh: Thank you.

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I'm a five-year brain injury survivor,

and like you, I have a passion to

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spread awareness because I felt so

alone after I had my brain injury.

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And to be honest with you,

I was, there was many nights

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that I laid in bed planning my

suicide, and I prayed every night.

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I said, God, give me a

purpose for this pain.

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And it finally came to me

that one day that, you know.

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I'm still here for a reason

and I need to help others.

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That feels just like I feel that's where

my passion and my drive has come from.

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Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: We're certainly

glad that you found that, that passion and

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drive 'cause I think it's super important.

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Yeah.

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And brain injuries.

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There's a lot more out

there than people realize.

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Okay.

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We, for so many years,

didn't consider concussions.

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We didn't consider

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The

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toll that sport takes on people,

not to mention all kinds of sports,

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bike riding all of these things.

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Yeah.

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You can be at risk.

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In all of these areas horseback riding and

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Rob Baugh: Yeah.

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Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: I can

think of a million things for that

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matter, just walking around your house

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Rob Baugh: Yeah.

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Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: Is

basically, covers, covers all of that.

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And that's unfortunate, but Right.

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You seem like you're doing very well.

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Rob Baugh: Thank you.

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Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: And I'm

so glad to see that and hear that.

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And then without further ado, let's.

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Let's go back to where this

started and why don't you

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tell us what exactly happened.

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Sure.

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And then we'll take it from there.

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Rob Baugh: Yeah.

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So it was just a normal day.

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I have a fish pond out back and on my

last break, 'cause I work from home.

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I always go out and feed my fish.

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And I did that like always.

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And as I was coming back in the

door, a bee flew by my head.

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And I am severely allergic to

bees, so it freaked me out.

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But it just so happens that it flew

by my head as I was opening the door,

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and I ended up getting a three inch

laceration across the top of my head,

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which it's still tender to this day.

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Oh yeah, this happened right?

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Just as the pandemic started.

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Oh my God.

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So I'm like, what do I do?

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And my wife had just lost her

job, so thankfully she was home.

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Yeah.

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So she got me to the hospital.

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Of course, my first concern, which

shouldn't have been my first concern,

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but it was, is I need to call my

boss and tell her what's going on.

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So she finally appeased me and

let me call my boss, and my

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boss goes, get to the hospital.

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Yes.

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So she got me there.

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And thankfully, if you remember

back at that time, they

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weren't letting people go back.

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You were on your own.

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Yeah.

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So here I'm holding a towel to my

head to try to stop the bleeding.

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Oh my God.

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And I didn't know, I think

I remembered my name.

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I didn't know my birthday and I didn't

know my social, I didn't know anything.

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Oh my God.

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And they made the decision to let my wife

go back with me, which was a very good

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call because I really wasn't I had no

businesses making any decisions on my own.

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No.

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Yeah.

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So five staples later, they send

me out the door and all I know is

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I have they called it a concussion.

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And I have since learned that

hospitals hate to call brain injuries.

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Brain injuries.

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Brain injuries.

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Yeah.

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We wanna call it a concussion, which

they have recently come out and said

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that concussions are brain injuries.

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Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: Absolutely.

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Rob Baugh: Yeah.

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So I'd have been working with

the brain Injury Association

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of America to help them.

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And one thing that they told me

that they're working on is to give

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information as people leave the

hospital, because when you leave, you.

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Yeah, so it's gonna take some time

because each hospital has their own

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system and all that, but eventually

they're all gonna communicate together.

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So when patient leaves, it'll say

You have a Conco, you have a TBI

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and you should seek this treatment.

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This treatment.

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And these are resources available for you.

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'cause right now, if you go to TBI I

today, you hit, you're on your own.

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Yeah.

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Wow.

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And that's one reason why I

wanted to start my podcast too.

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Yeah.

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Is I'm learning still things today

that I did not know even existed.

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And every time I find out information,

I share it with people and there's

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still people going I didn't know that

service was available to me, so I'm like.

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When I wrote my book, which I'm we'll

talk about later, but when I wrote

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my book, my publisher, she says,

what do you want on your website?

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'cause she helped me build a website

and I said, I want resources.

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Yeah.

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So that people don't have to

reinvent the will each time.

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Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: Yeah.

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That is so critically important because,

and I've said this for years 'cause I've

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had my run ins with the medical community.

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Yeah.

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But.

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We think that medicine is so far

advanced, and I'm not knocking it there.

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There are certain things

that it is advanced in.

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But it's only certain things.

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There are vast areas, including

Pharmacologicals, that.

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They do things and help people, but

the doctors don't really know why.

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Rob Baugh: They don't

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Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: know

exactly what those things do.

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And in all probability, that original

drug was made for something else.

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Rob Baugh: Yeah.

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It

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Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: just

happened to fix this other thing.

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So the fact that we don't have long

term protocols for brain injury.

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I'm not shocked.

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Which is sad in a way.

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I think we should be shocked.

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Rob Baugh: I.

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Yeah, it should really make us question

why things are the way they are.

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Yeah.

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For example, when I, you, this kind of

ties into what you were just saying.

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The first neurologist I went to, which

wasn't a great neurologist after the

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fact, but he prescribed me a medication.

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To try to help take my migraines away.

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I'm going on five years with my migraine.

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It just never goes away.

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So the medication he gave me was for

epileptic seizures, and he said they found

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out that they were more effective for

migraines than they were for the seizures.

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The intended purpose of the drug.

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Yeah.

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Yeah.

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Yeah.

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But yeah, we fired him really fast

because my first encounter with

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him, of course, was by myself.

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And he asked me my date of birth

was the first question he asked me.

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I didn't know.

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And he slammed his pen down on the

desk and he says, the questions

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are gonna get harder from here.

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And I was just about in tears when

I left his office and I was like,

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this is a medical doctor, and he's

talking to me like I'm an idiot.

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Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: Did

he not know why you were there?

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Rob Baugh: Yeah.

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It was his profession.

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He was a neurological brain specialist.

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Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: Yeah.

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Rob Baugh: But he was the best

in the field, he told you?

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Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: Yeah.

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Yeah.

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I had one of those, yeah.

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Those are usually the ones

you wanna run away from.

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Rob Baugh: Yes.

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Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: If they tell you

better, somebody else tells you that Dr.

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Is really good.

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If Dr.

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Tells you, walk the other way.

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Rob Baugh: Exactly.

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Just

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Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna:

in between friends.

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Rob Baugh: Yes.

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Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: My God.

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And how long between you going to

the hospital for the initial injury?

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You seeing that first neurologist

set, how much time went by?

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Rob Baugh: It was probably

a couple of months.

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'Cause like I said, it was, we didn't

know what we were supposed to do.

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Wow.

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Yeah.

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And I kept, the headaches

just wouldn't go away.

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And after about a week, I'm thinking.

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This should have gotten better by now.

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And some wife's let's go

back to the family doctor.

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And the family doctor sent for tests and

they confirmed the brain injury and they

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said you might wanna see a specialist.

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So we've heard, the horror stories of

people that have seen really bad doctors.

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And my wife is big on the

is it called health grades?

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I think.

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Yeah.

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And so she looked up and there

was like hardly anybody in our

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area that had over three stars.

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Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: Oh my God.

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Rob Baugh: So the doctor, idiot doctor

that we went to, he had four stars.

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That was the best we could do.

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Wow.

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And yeah, he wanted me to wait

two years to see if I got better.

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And my wife says, I don't think so.

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Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: No.

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Rob Baugh: So she actually

started doing her homework and

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she got me into cognitive therapy.

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'cause my ability to

remember was really bad then.

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Now I'm about, I can

remember about two weeks now.

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That's good.

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But there was days that I would

say, what do you want for breakfast?

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And she would look at me and she'd

say, you cooked breakfast an hour ago.

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Oh my God.

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That's how bad it was.

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Or, and driving.

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I would drive to an appointment

and halfway there I would

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pull over and I'd be crying.

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'cause I'm like, where am I going?

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I don't even know where I'm going.

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Oh, wow.

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So she came up with a genius idea.

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She's, she grabbed a stack

of sticky notes and she goes,

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we're gonna put one in each car.

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Yeah.

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Every time we leave, you're gonna

write down where you're going.

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Yeah.

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And we're gonna stick it

on the steering wheel.

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And if I forgot it was right there for me.

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Yeah.

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Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: Oh my God.

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That had to be terrifying for both of you.

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Rob Baugh: It was, 'cause there

was like, I wouldn't go very far.

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If it was more than a mile from

the house, I wouldn't go by myself.

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Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: No.

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Rob Baugh: And plus Sheila was like,

am I gonna see you again if you leave?

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Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: Yeah.

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Rob Baugh: Yeah.

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Wow.

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That's So one thing we've learned to

do is the, thankfully the phones have

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the find my phone feature on 'em.

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So we've enabled that for both of us.

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So if I should get lost or Gee, a trip to

McDonald's should only take, a few minutes

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and it's, he's been gone two hours.

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Yeah.

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She can look on the phone

and see where I'm at.

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Wow.

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So that gives her peace of mind.

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It gives me peace of mind.

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Mind too.

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Oh my God.

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Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: Yeah.

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Yeah.

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That's critically important.

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Oh my God.

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And they're little things

that we wouldn't think about.

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Rob Baugh: Yeah.

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And just like simple things like

going to the restaurant and placing

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an order because of the anxiety,

and especially way back then.

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I would, I had a horrible stutter.

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Now it comes out when I get really tired.

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Yeah.

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And she can tell I'm

on cognitive overload.

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So when my words start

making no sense at all.

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Yeah.

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She'll say, Rob, you need

to go lay down and rest.

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Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: Yeah.

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Rob Baugh: Not that she's being

mean, it's just she recognizes

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that, I have no idea because.

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It makes sense to me the words

that are coming outta my mouth.

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Yeah.

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Why don't you understand what I'm saying?

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But she'll understand that,

hey, you've gotta have the rest.

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Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna:

Yeah, absolutely.

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My God, it has to have turned

your whole life upside down.

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Rob Baugh: It did before my injury.

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I was the piano behind me.

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I played that constantly.

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I don't play it as much as I used to.

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Aw.

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I still try to, every once in a while when

the headaches aren't nearly as bad, yeah.

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I'll play.

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But then I also made cakes.

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You've probably seen the Cake Boss or

on the TV where they, I was doing that.

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And I was getting some good money on the

side as a side gig doing that, I had to

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give it up because I couldn't spend eight,

nine hours in the kitchen decorating.

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No.

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So I lo, I really lost who I was

and I mourn that loss forever.

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'cause it's like the old person's dead.

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Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: Absolutely.

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Absolutely.

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Rob Baugh: Yeah.

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And then you have to figure out now what.

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Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: And

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there has to come a point when

you're mourning the loss of you

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and not knowing where you're going.

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You know what do I do now?

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Rob Baugh: Yeah.

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Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: There, there

has to be anger in there somewhere.

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Rob Baugh: Oh, lots of

anger, lots of mood swings.

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And thankfully my wife is a saint.

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I don't know how she's, how she does

it because, and I've said this so

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many times that people are probably

sick of hearing me say this, but

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caregivers are the unsung heroes.

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Yeah.

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Yeah, because there's

days I don't even love me.

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I know she's gotta be

pulling her hair out.

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Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: Yeah,

no I'm sure she still loves you.

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She may not like you a lot on the bad

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Rob Baugh: days.

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Yeah, it's true.

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That's very true.

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That's true.

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Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: Yeah.

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Yeah.

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Yeah and it is hard.

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My father had dementia and it was only the

last two years of his life and it became.

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A litany of five conversations.

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They were always the same.

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Monday morning the conversation was, yep.

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I'm on, up on, I'm on the green side

of the grass and Oh, that's good.

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No, there's no paper today, daddy.

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Oh.

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Oh, when did that happen?

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2022.

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Yeah.

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Oh no.

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And they're still charging

you the same amount.

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Oh, yes.

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Sneaky.

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Oh, I bet the pressman loved that.

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That was the whole conversation.

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Wow.

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And that was every single Monday.

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Rob Baugh: Goodness.

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Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: And it got to

a point where him and I laughed about it.

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Because he wasn't so far gone.

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We were very lucky.

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He knew us all.

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At the end, it us all.

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There was only five of us.

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Not that big, but he got

to stay in his house.

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He lived five minutes from

me and we got to do that.

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But there were certain

things that worried me.

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And I can understand your wife

in, I love my father very much.

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She obviously loves you very much.

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Yeah.

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I don't have any patience

ever for anything.

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Rob Baugh: Yep.

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Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: Yet I

would have patience for my dad.

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We would take him to his appointments.

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I would take him to his eye

appointment and we'd, halfway

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there, where are we going?

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Why are we going, who made

this damn appointment?

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And then we'd get there and

then we go through the same

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thing over and over again.

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And it's funny, but.

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You, when you really love

somebody, you do the best you can.

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Rob Baugh: Yeah.

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This is true.

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Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: Because

it's better for both of you.

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Than being, getting frustrated.

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Rob Baugh: I've

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Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: seen

people I had a friend who worked

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with people with brain injuries.

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Pippi was really good.

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She was a nurse and she worked at,

the brain injury center here, I

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don't remember what it's called now.

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Unfortunately she died

in her mid thirties.

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But I can remember her saying

that you really have to approach

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it with a bit of humor because

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humor takes the sting out

of a lot of things, and it

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Rob Baugh: does.

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Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: Brain injury

and dementia, Alzheimer's, all of

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those things, you have to approach

people with a little bit of grace.

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Yes.

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And I think that can be really hard.

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But if you put yourself in their place and

treat people the way you wanna be treated

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Rob Baugh: right,

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Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: I

think it works a lot better.

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And you and she are

obviously in a good place.

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Rob Baugh: Yeah.

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That word grace is something that

we, especially as a survivor,

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it's hard to give yourself grace.

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Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: Oh yeah.

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Rob Baugh: I started a support group on

Facebook and we just hit:

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Oh, wow.

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And that is one thing that we

always make sure whenever someone's

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:

saying, boy, I'm just having a

bad day, and be kind to yourself.

411

:

Yes.

412

:

It's okay not to be.

413

:

Okay.

414

:

It's not okay to stay there.

415

:

Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: Yes.

416

:

Yeah.

417

:

I said there has to be, you

can wallow every so often, but

418

:

there has to be a time limit,

419

:

Rob Baugh: right?

420

:

Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: Yeah.

421

:

Rob Baugh: Yeah.

422

:

That's one thing that I've always had

the ability and it's, it really goes

423

:

back to survival mode from my childhood.

424

:

Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: Yeah.

425

:

Rob Baugh: But my ability to just

take everything and say there is a

426

:

silver lining, but I gotta find it.

427

:

But I've always found it, and I've

been dealt a really bad hand, but

428

:

I could sit here and be bitter and

yell at people and all that, but I've

429

:

said, I have gotta figure out a way

to, to use this instead of why me?

430

:

How can I help others?

431

:

Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: Oh, see.

432

:

That's so good.

433

:

Now, I will be honest, and as

a survivor in my mid twenties,

434

:

I was not a nice person.

435

:

I was consumed by the pain.

436

:

Yeah.

437

:

And the pain spoke.

438

:

I'm not excusing me.

439

:

I'm acknowledging,

440

:

Rob Baugh: yeah.

441

:

Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: That

was not a nice, me, really not.

442

:

And I, it does allow me to give

others grace for pain because when

443

:

you live through it you understand

that it does completely change you.

444

:

And when you add to that for someone like

yourself that things that you knew used

445

:

to come easy to you now suddenly don't.

446

:

Rob Baugh: Yeah.

447

:

Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: And part

of it has to be also, we still,

448

:

we're still surrounded by patriarchy.

449

:

So there, there is that I'm a man.

450

:

I should, I should be stoic.

451

:

I should do what it, yeah.

452

:

That's gotta be tough.

453

:

Rob Baugh: Yeah.

454

:

Very tough.

455

:

My wife does the, a lot of

things that I used to do.

456

:

Yeah.

457

:

And there's days that.

458

:

And I'll be the first to admit this, that

I don't have an off switch and I don't

459

:

recognize when, yeah, I've done too much.

460

:

And she'll know it.

461

:

She'll say, you're gonna pay for

this, you're gonna pay for this.

462

:

But I'm so pigheaded.

463

:

'cause I'm a guy and I'm

like, but today I feel decent.

464

:

I haven't felt decent in eight months,

i've vacuumed I've cleaned the tub, I've

465

:

done the dishes, and, what else can I do?

466

:

And she's, just because you

get that little surge of

467

:

energy, you gotta conserve it.

468

:

Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna:

I'm laughing because Yeah.

469

:

I totally relate to you.

470

:

Rob Baugh: Yeah.

471

:

Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: When

I have good days, I used to

472

:

go till, I literally dropped.

473

:

And then, to do everything in

a day was great, except it took

474

:

me seven days to recuperate.

475

:

Rob Baugh: Yes.

476

:

Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: Something

about this it does not compute.

477

:

Rob Baugh: Exactly.

478

:

Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: And like

your wife, my husband will say,

479

:

oh, there's that sing song voice.

480

:

You need to stop.

481

:

Rob Baugh: Yep.

482

:

Yeah.

483

:

It's so funny because the average day

for us is like, there's days taking a

484

:

shower that's all your energy for the day.

485

:

Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: Yeah.

486

:

Rob Baugh: And the first time I heard

someone say that, I'm like, you're,

487

:

but it's true.

488

:

Oh yeah.

489

:

Yeah.

490

:

I'll vacuum one room of the house

and I'm, I've gotta go take a nap.

491

:

Yeah.

492

:

Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: Yeah, it's hard.

493

:

Rob Baugh: It's hard to,

it's hard accept that

494

:

Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna:

It's hard to accept.

495

:

Yes.

496

:

Yeah, exactly.

497

:

Because Were you into sports?

498

:

Rob Baugh: I wasn't into

sports, but I was very athletic.

499

:

Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: Okay.

500

:

Okay.

501

:

Rob Baugh: I was at the gym twice a day,

an hour each time on the elliptical.

502

:

Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: Yeah.

503

:

Rob Baugh: And now I can't even go

to the gym because the headaches.

504

:

Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: Yeah.

505

:

Rob Baugh: They tell you,

you gotta go get exercise.

506

:

Hello, I've got a migraine.

507

:

I.

508

:

Yeah, exercise just gets the blood

plumping more so my head's just

509

:

going to be even more escalated.

510

:

Can't

511

:

Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: Yeah, can't do.

512

:

It's not what, definitely

not what you want,

513

:

Rob Baugh: right?

514

:

Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: Yeah.

515

:

You have to work around the

things that make sense for you.

516

:

Rob Baugh: Exactly.

517

:

Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: I

know I used to ride horses.

518

:

I was a figure skater.

519

:

I was a downhill skier.

520

:

All summer long, my friends and I, we

rode our bikes 20 to 40 miles a day.

521

:

Wow.

522

:

Because we wanted to go somewhere.

523

:

Rob Baugh: Yeah.

524

:

Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna:

When all that stops on a dime,

525

:

like your whole life changes.

526

:

Rob Baugh: Yeah.

527

:

Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: And like

you say, sometimes getting from one

528

:

side of the bedroom to the other

can be all that can be accomplished.

529

:

Rob Baugh: And I look at it like this.

530

:

There are some in my same

situation that can even do that.

531

:

Yeah.

532

:

I'm thankful for that.

533

:

And I do look at the bright side of

things, I'm morbid at times because I'll

534

:

be like, I wanna watch this movie and

she'll say, we watched that last week.

535

:

Guess what?

536

:

It's a brand new movie to me.

537

:

I can watch it as many times.

538

:

So I want to

539

:

Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: that.

540

:

That's what I used to say

to dad think of it this way.

541

:

We can give you presents today.

542

:

I.

543

:

We'll give them to you tomorrow

and the day after, and you'll think

544

:

we're just showering with gifts.

545

:

Rob Baugh: The running joke here is

I could play my own surprise party.

546

:

Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: Oh, I love that.

547

:

I love

548

:

Rob Baugh: that.

549

:

I'll say, Hey, at least

I could get what I want.

550

:

Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: Yeah.

551

:

Yeah.

552

:

And I think, see that's, to me,

that's part of giving yourself grace.

553

:

Yeah.

554

:

Is having, being able

to laugh at yourself.

555

:

Yeah.

556

:

I.

557

:

I think, yeah, I think that's

the most, I think that's the

558

:

best gift you can give yourself.

559

:

Because when we take

ourselves too seriously, I.

560

:

That's what causes us the

most problems, I believe.

561

:

Rob Baugh: And I'll tell you one of the

things that I dealt with in the very

562

:

beginning, which was so hard for me

to accept it, was I would talk about.

563

:

Let's go see aunt so and or

let's go see cousin Eddie.

564

:

And my wife would be like

that person passed away.

565

:

Oh, you went to the funeral.

566

:

Yeah, I didn't remember that.

567

:

So then I went through the whole

morning process all over again.

568

:

Oh yeah.

569

:

But I, it finally came to

the conclusion one day that

570

:

they're still alive in my head.

571

:

Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: Yeah.

572

:

Rob Baugh: I may not be able to

go see 'em, I don't know if I saw

573

:

'em last week or six years ago.

574

:

I don't remember.

575

:

Yeah.

576

:

But in my head, they're still alive.

577

:

So Isn't a nice, it's really,

when you look at it that way,

578

:

it's really not a bad thing.

579

:

Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: No.

580

:

It's not a bad thing at all.

581

:

And see, to me that's the difference

between why you are such a nice person.

582

:

I.

583

:

And generally happy person because

you look on the bright side.

584

:

Rob Baugh: Yeah.

585

:

Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: Okay.

586

:

Did you ever see the movie Pollyanna?

587

:

Rob Baugh: Years ago.

588

:

Okay.

589

:

I don't remember a lot about it.

590

:

Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna:

Yeah, and that's okay.

591

:

Pollyanna played the GLAD Game.

592

:

Her father taught her to play the GLAD

Game, and that was to find something to be

593

:

glad about no matter what was happening.

594

:

And I saw it when I was five.

595

:

And that for me became the antidote

to, I, I live with suicidal ideation.

596

:

So for me that was the antidote.

597

:

Yeah.

598

:

And it was just a constant and you

can find so much to be glad about.

599

:

Rob Baugh: Yeah.

600

:

Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: And on

bad days, you can just be total

601

:

grump and find absolutely nothing.

602

:

Rob Baugh: That's true.

603

:

Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: When you

realize that you're being a total grump,

604

:

you can even talk yourself out of that.

605

:

Rob Baugh: You can,

606

:

Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: yeah.

607

:

Yeah.

608

:

Rob Baugh: There's really no

situation that I can't find at

609

:

least something positive out of.

610

:

Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: Absolutely.

611

:

I totally agree with that.

612

:

I.

613

:

Rob Baugh: I would

rather be happy than sad.

614

:

Oh yeah.

615

:

Sad feels so bad.

616

:

And I don't feeling bad.

617

:

I already feel bad with my head.

618

:

Why do I wanna add to it?

619

:

I would.

620

:

Yeah.

621

:

Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: Yeah.

622

:

Is there hope of some kind of treatment

that will deal with the migraines?

623

:

Rob Baugh: They've tried

a lot of different things.

624

:

Botox was one that I do remember.

625

:

Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: Yeah.

626

:

Rob Baugh: Let me tell you, if

you've ever thought of Botox

627

:

for, a lot of people think Botox.

628

:

You look really young.

629

:

No, you get, and my numbers come out

weird 'cause of the brain injury,

630

:

but you get three, one injections

all over your skull and in your neck.

631

:

And when I say it feels the fire

from Hill going into your head?

632

:

It does.

633

:

Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: Oh, yuck.

634

:

Rob Baugh: On the calendar,

I would write Torture day.

635

:

Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna:

Oh my God, that's awful.

636

:

Rob Baugh: Yes.

637

:

And my wife went with me the first

time and she almost passed out.

638

:

Oh.

639

:

So yeah, she goes, I'll keep taking

you, but I'm not gonna go anymore.

640

:

I'm gonna wait in the waiting room.

641

:

Yeah.

642

:

Because, yeah.

643

:

Yeah.

644

:

She could not.

645

:

I guess it was to see me in pain.

646

:

Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: I was gonna

say, watching someone you love in pain

647

:

is the worst torture in the world.

648

:

Rob Baugh: Yeah.

649

:

Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: Okay.

650

:

And she told

651

:

Rob Baugh: my doctor,

she said, I don't get it.

652

:

She said, I took him to the er, I slammed

with his head, cracked open, and I

653

:

saw him staple his head back together.

654

:

And she said, I did just fine with that.

655

:

And he said, yeah, but you're

also on adrenaline high.

656

:

Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: Yeah.

657

:

Yeah.

658

:

So

659

:

Rob Baugh: it makes sense.

660

:

Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: Yeah.

661

:

I really hope they, they find something.

662

:

Rob Baugh: Yeah.

663

:

Thank you.

664

:

We've done that.

665

:

Nerve blocks, medication.

666

:

Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna:

All the medications.

667

:

Medication,

668

:

Rob Baugh: all the medications.

669

:

Dones put weight on me.

670

:

Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna:

Oh, not medication.

671

:

Medication.

672

:

Rob Baugh: Oh, yeah.

673

:

I do that every once in a while.

674

:

Yes.

675

:

Yeah.

676

:

It, it helps clear, to be honest

with you, there's one thing that

677

:

does help while it's being performed.

678

:

I dunno if you've ever heard of the

have ama No, it's not, there's not a

679

:

lot of places that have this option

because the machine is very expensive.

680

:

Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: Okay.

681

:

But

682

:

Rob Baugh: basically the way it

works is like there's a box and it

683

:

sends electrical currents out and.

684

:

It happens whenever you touch

to complete the circuit.

685

:

Yeah.

686

:

So the person that does this to

you, you hold a little rod in your

687

:

hand so you don't get electrocuted.

688

:

And wherever they touch on your

body, you feel the little okay.

689

:

Coming out.

690

:

And they'll do that on

the back of my skull.

691

:

Oh wow.

692

:

And on my shoulders.

693

:

And while they're doing

that, I don't feel the pain.

694

:

Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: Wow.

695

:

Rob Baugh: It's only like

a nine-ish minute session.

696

:

Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: Yeah.

697

:

I

698

:

Rob Baugh: said I just need to hire

somebody to walk around with me to do

699

:

Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna:

that all the time.

700

:

Yeah.

701

:

I have a friend who had a

massive stroke in:

702

:

she was concert level pianist.

703

:

And had Sir Edmund Hillary's

piano, like she was so good.

704

:

And you couldn't play the piano after.

705

:

Rob Baugh: Oh.

706

:

Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: But

more than that, it affected

707

:

the pain center in her brain.

708

:

So she lives with feeling in pain 24

7 because of how that was affected.

709

:

The good news is, in the past five years.

710

:

She has started playing piano again.

711

:

Oh,

712

:

Good.

713

:

And with one hand.

714

:

And she is no longer ambulatory, but

she can play the piano and beautifully.

715

:

It's one hand, but it's

still absolutely beautiful.

716

:

Rob Baugh: Oh wow.

717

:

I love that.

718

:

Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: Yeah, me too.

719

:

It's I think there's, I think

there's hope for something.

720

:

And what about pimp?

721

:

Do you know the pulse

electromagnetic therapy?

722

:

Do you know anything about that?

723

:

Rob Baugh: Is that, is the magnetic

things where they put that on your skull?

724

:

Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna:

No it's like on a bed.

725

:

They don't actually put them on you.

726

:

Rob Baugh: Oh, I've not

727

:

Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: heard that.

728

:

I will send you some information.

729

:

Yeah,

730

:

Rob Baugh: that'd be

neat for me to research.

731

:

Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: Yeah, exactly.

732

:

It just.

733

:

Thinking off the top of my head because

they do come at, I don't want it to

734

:

sound like we were only talking bad about

the medical community 'cause we're not

735

:

Rob Baugh: Right.

736

:

Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: There

are some really good advances, but

737

:

Rob Baugh: Oh, absolutely.

738

:

Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: One would

think, considering where we are on

739

:

other things, I would've expected

us to be further ahead medically.

740

:

I.

741

:

Rob Baugh: And you know

what the sad thing is?

742

:

There's a lot of treatments out there

that we cannot access because of the cost.

743

:

Yeah.

744

:

Insurance will not pay for it.

745

:

Yeah.

746

:

I had a meeting with my

psychologist yesterday.

747

:

I.

748

:

Or the day before anyway.

749

:

There's a new thing called t.

750

:

It's either TMS or TSM, but it's the

magnets and they put 'em on your Yeah.

751

:

And it's been shown to improve depression.

752

:

But there's also a link that it

could also help with headaches.

753

:

Wow.

754

:

And she said if they bill it as

depression insurance will cover

755

:

it, but if it's for headaches,

756

:

Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: they won't.

757

:

Oh.

758

:

Rob Baugh: And it's very expensive.

759

:

Yeah.

760

:

Which is why insurance

doesn't wanna pay for it.

761

:

Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: Yeah.

762

:

Yeah.

763

:

It's unfortunate there's

a lot of those things too.

764

:

And eventually.

765

:

We hope the price of a lot

of this comes down, but

766

:

Rob Baugh: Right.

767

:

Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: It's

it's not an immediate, it's not

768

:

immediate access, that's for sure.

769

:

I have to say, I'm,

770

:

you're very upbeat when I talk

to you, and I think that's really

771

:

important because your attitude also.

772

:

Dictates, I think how far

into your pain you are.

773

:

Rob Baugh: Yeah.

774

:

Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: And

it's up to us to choose to

775

:

alleviate as much as we can.

776

:

Rob Baugh: Yeah.

777

:

That's the question that I get asked the

very most is, I don't know how you do it.

778

:

How do you do it?

779

:

I say, you know when

you don't have a choice?

780

:

Yeah.

781

:

You figure it out.

782

:

Just like people that are have amputees,

you lost your leg, your arm, I don't

783

:

know how I would operate with just

one arm, but you know what, if I

784

:

lost an arm, I would figure it out.

785

:

Yeah.

786

:

Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna:

Because the alternative,

787

:

Rob Baugh: yeah,

788

:

Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna:

it's not so great.

789

:

Rob Baugh: The easiest thing

in life is to do nothing.

790

:

Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: And I've

791

:

Rob Baugh: never been one to do nothing.

792

:

Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna:

It's also boring.

793

:

Rob Baugh: It's,

794

:

Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna:

that would be so boring.

795

:

Rob Baugh: Don't get me wrong.

796

:

After when the lights are off and

the cameras shut down and there's

797

:

no one else's around, I crash

and I'm just done for the day.

798

:

Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: And I'm

sure your wife, like my husband,

799

:

they're the ones that get the.

800

:

The full bore if you are having

a bad day, they're the ones.

801

:

Rob Baugh: I would say

802

:

Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: he's the

one that, that gets all the whining.

803

:

People think I'm sunshine and light.

804

:

Yeah.

805

:

That's only 'cause he gets the

whiny stuff in the back now.

806

:

Rob Baugh: That's true.

807

:

That's so true.

808

:

Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: They are saints.

809

:

Let's just put that, yes, they are saints.

810

:

Rob Baugh: Yep.

811

:

So you gotta give yourself grace sometimes

whenever they're having a bad day.

812

:

'cause you have to realize their

bad day is probably because

813

:

of something I've done anyway.

814

:

Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: Oh I

know it's something I've done.

815

:

I know that because, 'cause

I could be a handful.

816

:

Yeah.

817

:

Even before things

818

:

Rob Baugh: That's funny.

819

:

Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna:

But you are absolutely right.

820

:

We.

821

:

You never know how far you can go or push

yourself until you don't have an option.

822

:

Rob Baugh: Yeah.

823

:

Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: And

notice I said option because

824

:

we always have a choice.

825

:

Rob Baugh: Yes.

826

:

Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna:

And that, I wrote that

827

:

Rob Baugh: in my book.

828

:

I said it was sink or swim.

829

:

I'm not a sinker.

830

:

Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: No.

831

:

And Victor Frankl, it's in, it's,

I don't know, engraved in my brain.

832

:

But, when push comes to shove,

everything else can be gone.

833

:

But I can choose.

834

:

Rob Baugh: Yep.

835

:

Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: Whether

I react or I don't, it's up to me.

836

:

And that for me, that's really empowering.

837

:

Rob Baugh: Yeah, absolutely.

838

:

Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: And

I've talked to people and they

839

:

said, but how is that empowering?

840

:

You're talking about pain.

841

:

Yeah, but having the choice to

sink into it or rise above it, I

842

:

think that's pretty good choice.

843

:

Rob Baugh: How did you

844

:

Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: Yeah,

845

:

Rob Baugh: very good choice.

846

:

Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna:

What's next for you?

847

:

Yeah we know you have a book, my

Life Rewired and you have a podcast.

848

:

Rob Baugh: Yep.

849

:

Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: What's next?

850

:

Rob Baugh: My author has reached

out to me and she wants to discuss

851

:

the possibility of taking my book.

852

:

'cause the book is basically all of

the traumas I've survived, bullies.

853

:

Sexual abuse.

854

:

Yeah.

855

:

Parental abuse, things like that.

856

:

She wants to see about making it

each chapter, a children's book.

857

:

Oh, wow.

858

:

So I'm open to the idea, I think.

859

:

Oh yeah.

860

:

I think we're gonna do that.

861

:

Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna:

Oh, that's excellent.

862

:

Rob Baugh: Yeah.

863

:

Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna:

That is absolutely excellent.

864

:

Rob Baugh: Yeah that's probably

gonna be the next venture.

865

:

Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna:

Ooh, I like that.

866

:

I like that.

867

:

And that is part of what sets you apart.

868

:

Rob Baugh: Yeah I've always had a heart

for people and to, we, I talked about

869

:

this earlier this week with somebody.

870

:

I said, oh, I was my counselor.

871

:

I said, I don't do well with praise.

872

:

When people tell me how good I am, I'm

like, I'm just trying to lift others up.

873

:

But when people tell me that, I tend to

either ignore the comment or diffuse it

874

:

yeah, but you're even better than that, I

just have a really hard time accepting it.

875

:

Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: Okay.

876

:

I'm going to, okay.

877

:

You and I are very alike

in a lot of things.

878

:

But I'm gonna tell you

something, somebody told me

879

:

you can't pour from an empty cup, and if

you don't use those accolades or those

880

:

good comments or compliments as the

food to keep you going to do the right

881

:

thing and to continue to help others.

882

:

If you starve yourself,

you can't help anybody.

883

:

Rob Baugh: That's a good comment.

884

:

Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: And it took

me such a long time to digest that

885

:

and realize oh, okay, I've got it.

886

:

Because every time we deflect something

887

:

We were actually

888

:

in a way putting that person down.

889

:

When somebody says to you, you're

doing something really well

890

:

and you, oh no, it's nothing.

891

:

It's hang on.

892

:

Does my opinion not count?

893

:

And I know we don't realize

that's what we're doing, but it's

894

:

Rob Baugh: true.

895

:

Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: Yeah.

896

:

And that judgment, we don't have

a right to make that judgment.

897

:

Rob Baugh: Yeah.

898

:

But.

899

:

You're right.

900

:

You're absolutely right.

901

:

Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: So you gotta

open yourself up to the good stuff.

902

:

Rob Baugh: Maybe I'll crack

the book just a little bit.

903

:

Yeah,

904

:

Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: let's

just, yeah, let's just, a little bit.

905

:

But hey, I've been around a lot

longer than you and it took me

906

:

long time to figure this out.

907

:

Rob Baugh: Life is a

learning process, isn't it?

908

:

Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: Yeah.

909

:

And sometimes the learning

is just a little slower.

910

:

Exactly.

911

:

No, it's for other people, but hey,

it's about as long as you learn

912

:

it eventually is important thing.

913

:

Rob Baugh: If we took Kathy advice

that we give everybody else, we'd be.

914

:

Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: Oh my God.

915

:

Rob Baugh: Yeah.

916

:

People wouldn't be,

917

:

Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: yeah.

918

:

Oh my God.

919

:

Even a quarter.

920

:

Rob Baugh: Yeah.

921

:

Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna:

Full of good stuff.

922

:

Yeah.

923

:

If I could just apply it,

that would be so good.

924

:

Rob Baugh: Exactly.

925

:

Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: I have to

say, Rob, I thank you so much for

926

:

coming and talking with us today.

927

:

Rob Baugh: Thank you for having me.

928

:

Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: I see

us talking again sometime soon,

929

:

perhaps, about the new series of

children's books that's coming.

930

:

Rob Baugh: That'd be neat.

931

:

Yes.

932

:

I love it.

933

:

That's

934

:

Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: wonderful.

935

:

Or we could, I'm sure we could

talk about other things too.

936

:

Yeah.

937

:

I would love to have you return.

938

:

Rob Baugh: I do have the

gift to gap, excellent.

939

:

Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: Then

you and I are two peas in the pod.

940

:

Rob Baugh: I think that

941

:

Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna:

works wonderfully.

942

:

Rob Baugh: Yes.

943

:

Elaine @TheDarkPollyanna: Thank you so

much, Rob Ba has been with us today.

944

:

I'm Elaine Lindsay.

945

:

This is Suicide Zen Forgiveness,

and as per usual, I say make the

946

:

very most of you today, every day,

and we're gonna see you next time.

947

:

Bye for now.

948

:

Voiceover: Thank you for being

here for another inspiring episode

949

:

of Suicide Zen Forgiveness.

950

:

We appreciate you tuning in.

951

:

Please subscribe and download on your

favorite service and check out SFS

952

:

YouTube channel or Facebook community.

953

:

If you have the chance to leave

a five star rating or review,

954

:

it'd be greatly appreciated.

955

:

Please refer this to a friend you

know who may benefit from the hope

956

:

and inspiration from our guests.

957

:

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958

:

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959

:

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960

:

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961

:

and standup coach at Second City.

962

:

Judy has been involved for over

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963

:

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964

:

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965

:

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966

:

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967

:

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968

:

Thank you for listening and.

969

:

To see you again

970

:

Theme song: through the pain we

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About the Podcast

Show artwork for Suicide Zen Forgiveness Stories re Suicide Loss | Ideation | Mental Health | Offering Hope |Empathy for All
Suicide Zen Forgiveness Stories re Suicide Loss | Ideation | Mental Health | Offering Hope |Empathy for All
Shattering Stigma Igniting Hope

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About your host

Profile picture for Elaine Lindsay

Elaine Lindsay

A unique blend of finely tuned chaos with a boatload of compassion. An unfiltered speaker, resilience mentor, and podcast host with 50+ years of lived experience navigating suicidal ideation, Pollyanna’s glad game, trauma, chronic illness, and the power of showing up anyway.

Elaine Lindsay🎤 Speaker | Host | Podcaster | 6x Suicide Loss |@TheDarkPollyanna - Opinionated AF
#Youmatter | Let’s start #ConverSAVEtions

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